|"I haven't seen you
around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So
married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for
many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a
marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I
won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps
finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to
go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told
her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last
year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once she was
sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric
toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I
bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where
we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way
street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said,
"I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't running
well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was
in the lake.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got
a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and
bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two
days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled,
"No, jump in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A
Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive.
Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining
room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the
While driving the car on a cross country
trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
My ex-con friend recently explained to me
why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like