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Investments Terms

CEO:  Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO:  Corporate Fraud Officer.

EBITDA:  Earnings Before I Trick Dumb Auditors

EBIT:  Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.

NAV:  Normal Anderson Valuation.

FRS:  Fantasy Reporting Standards.

P/E:  Parole Entitlement.

EPS:  Eventual Prison Sentence.

BULL MARKET:  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET:  A 6-to-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

MOMENTUM INVESTING:  The fine art of buying high and selling low.

VALUE INVESTING:  The art of buying low and selling lower.

STANDARD & POOR:  Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST:  Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT:  When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER:  A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

MARKET CORRECTION:  The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW:  The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR:  The one who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


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