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CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.
EBITDA: Earnings Before I Trick Dumb Auditors
EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.
NAV: Normal Anderson Valuation.
FRS: Fantasy Reporting Standards.
P/E: Parole Entitlement.
EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
BEAR MARKET: A 6-to-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no
jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11
for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: The one who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
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