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Glossary of Investment Terms
Momentum Investing - The fine
art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
Broker - Poorer than you were in 1999.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.
"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no
jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for
toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
Microsoft - A condition temporarily remedied by Viagra.
Cisco - Side kick of Pancho.
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.
Alan Greenspan - God.
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