John Pernicky and his friend,(the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having
no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to
"hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their
pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was
100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall
was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that
snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with
a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes
would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to
free himself from the tree.
Finally free, (did I
mention that he isTHE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his
thigh 3 inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and
agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the
"S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the
fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the
crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from
massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked
scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen, you win...
here to go to the five runners up to the 1999 Darwin Award.