The awards this year
are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the
remains of) that individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements
from the human gene pool.
5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding
down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was
pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a. m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal
and his friends apparently had hiked a ski run called Stump Alley
and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said
Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads
are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and
determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to
call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth
and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in
front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from
his throat where it had choked him to death. (no comment)
3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West
Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in
Arkansas who used the. 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup
truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M. D. Payne.
"Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and
was trying to explode it.""It wouldn't go off and this
guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his
mouth and bit down. Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just
can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an
Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to
be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony
Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation
into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A
friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow
went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts
tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had
been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine
County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER. (The late) John Pernicky and his friend,
(the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided
to attend a concert without tickets (but having had 18 beers
between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop"
over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled
their pickup truck over to the fence. The plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the
late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing
through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted and broken, along
with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break
his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away
his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr.
Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his
ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing
his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his
friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried
to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and
slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on
his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed
pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at
the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a
holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...