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Actual Quantas Airlines Maintenance Complaints
Quantas pilots fill out
a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells Mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. Mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight...
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the
maintenance engineers (marked with an M).
By the way, Quantas is
the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget