Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles
from Mexican Border El Paso, Texas (SatireWire.com) --Unwilling to wait for their eventual
indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it
yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the
way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the
revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.
"Right in front of my daughters.
"Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last
night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320
residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had
arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for
the fiscal second quarter.
This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas
to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law
enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their
numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And
every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor
relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE! "The pursuers said they have had some success,
however, by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of
them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border
Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame. "Also, teams of
agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for telltale
sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle
flicking their tails," said Lewis,"but occasionally we'll pick up someone
saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that.'"Among former and current CEOs
apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John
Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and
every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of
Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.
So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was
detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa
border crossing off Highway 375. "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping
motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place
settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer
Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds
texture to the stucco walls.
some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the
bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the
car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on
the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."