This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone
you don't know!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I
found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I
politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could I please speak to Melissa
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that
rude. I tracked down Melissa's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last
two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still
lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I
wrote the word
"jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and Id yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later
in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me;
I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just
calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went,
"No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever
anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 555-8863.
A little background as to why: I was waiting to park at the mall and an elderly lady took
her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I
backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's
finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy got out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought
to myself, This guys a jackass. There are sure a lot of jackasses in the world.
Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number and I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at
home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-8863 and
yelling, "You're jackass!" (Its really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I better call this
guy too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man
with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where
I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house and the
cars parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is
Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the
evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed
to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then,
after a while of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone
dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're
a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He
said, "What's your name, pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said
"Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my
black Camero's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better
start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello,
Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll
what?" "Ill kick your ass." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming
right over, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th
Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W. 34th Street. After
that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing play
out. Glorious! Watching two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad cars, a police helicopter, and the entire news media was one of the greatest
experiences of my life!