When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,
"Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin
Carter? " Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits
of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up
and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to
our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his
number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and
slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black
BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and
yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For
Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, ( I had his number on speed
dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right
out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen,Don, can I tell you something?"
Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling
them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th
Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 3 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating
the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!