Jesus loves you ... everyone
else thinks you're an asshole.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying No hard feelings
The proctologist called, they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Hang up and drive.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
AND THE BEST ONE:
Welcome to America...Now speak English.