With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple
rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints
this and every year!!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not sear! ch the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not
know, SHOOT them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it
will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids
who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, o! r above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other
house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just
the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't
stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more
if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as
hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nil bog (you're in trouble if you recognize this
one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of
gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to
die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons,
band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with
the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or
committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women
should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be
especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
22. If you're a virgin, STAY THAT WAY! Suddenly deciding to have sex is a certain death
23. Girls, for God's sake, WEAR BRAS!! Especially under tight, whit! e t-shirts while
running through the rain.
24. And those high heels...are they really necessary with jeans, shorts, negligees...you
get the picture. Wearing them will certainly guarantee you'll need to run away from the
bad guy/monster and one will break and then you'll be left hobbling along.
25. If you're babysitting alone and there's either a call or a knock on the door at
midnight, you're dead, no need to run or scream.
Hope you had a safe and Happy Halloween!!