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How To Poop At Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when
you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts
you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds
of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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