Share

You Are Here: home memos instructions on death of employees

Instructions On Death Of Employees


To All Employees,

It has been brought to the attention of this office that many employees have been dying while on duty for apparently no good reason. Further, some employees are refusing to fall over after they are dead. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned overtime payments which do not fit into our company program.

Ettective immediately-----This practice must be discontinued!

On and after today, any employee found sitting up after he has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without investigation under Regulation No. 20, Section D (non-productive labor).

When it can be proven that the employee is being held by a desk, typewrite", drawing board, telephone or any other means of support which is the property of the company, a 90-day period of grace will be granted.

The following procedure will be strictly adhered to:

If, after several hours, it is noted that any employee has not moved or opened at least one eye, the department will investigate. Because of the highly sensitive nature and origin of some employees and the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the investigation will be made quietly to avoid waking the employee if he or she, is asleep (which is permitted under the present regime and union contract). If some doubt exists as to the true condition of the employee, a pay check will be used as the final test. If the employee fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred.

NOTE: In some cases, the instinct is so strongly developed that a spasmodic clutching action may occur. Do not be misled by this manifestation.

In the event that any employee fails to abandon whatever he is doing when it comes time for coffee break, no investigation is necessary, as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has set in.

Signed

The Management



Comment or Share Your Own One Liner