|My Fellow Employees,|
It has come to our attention that employees may be
taking too much time off from work. As such we have instuted the following policies for
all employees to follow.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed
constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are
as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it
is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin
with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20
to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this
exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall
door will open.
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look
healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you
wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.