Request For A Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
    * I do physical labor
    * I work at great depths
    * I work head first
    * I do not get weekends off or public holidays
    * I work in a damp environment
    * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
    * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
    * I work in high temperatures
    * My work exposes me to contagious diseases
 
Subject: Response To Your Request For A Raise
To: Employee
 
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management rejects your request for the following reasons:
    * You do not work 8 hours straight
    * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
    * You do not always follow management's orders
    * You do not stay in your allocated position and often
       visit other areas
    * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
    * You do not take initiative -- you need to be
       pressured and stimulated in order to start working
    * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
       your shift
    * You don't always observe H&S measures, such as
      wearing the correct
       protective outfits
    * You don't wait till pension age before retiring
    * You don't like working double shifts
    * You sometimes leave your allocated position before
       you have completed the day's work
    * And if that were not all, you have been seen
       constantly entering and leaving the work place
       carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.