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Santa's Answers to Emails


It's June, and Santa's finally getting around to answering his e-mail from last Christmas...

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Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.  Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.  You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.  How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What -- and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter?  He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!  Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I.  Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.  You want to be a kiss-ass?  Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa



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