|Dear Diary, |
my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training
at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my
college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to
get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my
teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with
her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there
were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine
with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose
a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.