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A Redneck Letter
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when
you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes
of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well,
though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days
and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send
in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two
hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't
know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he
fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup
truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt
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