1. "Looking back over the years
that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the
hell was I thinking?"
2. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one
likes your wife."
3. "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly
4. "I've always wanted someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
5. "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I
never believed in Hell until I met you."
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're
not here to ruin it for me."
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your
8. "As you grow older , Mom, I think of all the gifts you've
given me. Like the need for therapy..."
9. "Thanks for being part of my life!! I never knew what evil
was before this!!"
10. "Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go,
would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll
probably need it again."
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
12. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....Almost
13. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your
14. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew
15. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we
call it quits."
16. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
17. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you
ever find out who the father was?"
18. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and
think of you often."
19. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for
your birthday.... so we're having you
put to sleep."
20. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in