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Redneck Christmas Etiquette

Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part I

Getting Ready for That Christmas Party
1. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
3. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger
5. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
6. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when
using this method

Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part II

Entertaining in Your Trailer at Christmas
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
3. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
4. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part III

Driving To The Christmas Party Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part IV

BONUS: Tips for All Occasions
1. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
2. Never take a beer to a job interview and don't ask them if they press charges.
3. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
4. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
5. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
6. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
7. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
8. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
9. Always provide an alibi to the police for a family member.

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