Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette
- Part I
Getting Ready for That Christmas Party
1. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
3. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of
finger
foods.
5. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work.
6. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish
the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of
water handy when
using this method
Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part II
Entertaining in Your Trailer at Christmas
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good
his manners are.
3. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
4. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part III
Driving To The Christmas Party Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in
sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.
Subject: Redneck Christmas Etiquette - Part IV
BONUS: Tips for All Occasions
1. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
2. Never take a beer to a job interview and don't ask them if they
press charges.
3. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
4. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone
else's car.
5. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
6. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
7. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
8. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
9. Always provide an alibi to the police for a family member. |
