Finally a Barbie I can relate
to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully.
These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild
colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while
tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available
with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.
Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their
toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters,
then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of
Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie
dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan
in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her
personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in
her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape
of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9.. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl.
Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings
religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she
puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching
the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this
year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.