|Dear Dog and/or Cat,|
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so
there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine
and contain my food.. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate &
food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not
think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs
and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat
you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try
to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years. (Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' butts. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for non-pet
owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours, and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat
less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.