| COMPANY POLICY TO ALL
EMPLOYEES: As a result of the
reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number
of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be
asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever
Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for
jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and
SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by
Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee
may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are
considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be
SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger
employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount
of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in
this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all
the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with
us.Â
THE MANAGEMENT | 
