To: All Company Employee
Subject: Early Retirement
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut
down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take
early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal
year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED
will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can
request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may
file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or
CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the
younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High
Intensity Training (SHIT).
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees
more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
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