|Notes from an inexperienced
chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast when he got roped
into testing chili:|
was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. "I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili.
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild!
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it
possible to burn-out taste
buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is
starting to look HOT, just
like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit
on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in a
bit of distress and is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn
thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)