The following were heard on police
car videos: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend
of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
and the best one . . . . .
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right,
We don't......Sign here."