A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have
her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several
cabs --- and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used
to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of
a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to
the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the
patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your
hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless
read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had
asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me,
his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?"
I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I
hoped I wouldn't see . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why, not for
about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the
taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into
a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic
exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".