I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
Yer Frend, BiLLY
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE, could! I! have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a
house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get
inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your
Sweet Dreams, Santa